Lessons in control and creativity
Over the past two months since leaving my job, I’ve had the very fortunate opportunity to review my career and creative life through a zoomed-out lens. I wanted to better understand the journey that led me to this moment in hopes that it would give me a stronger sense of what I need in order to find the most fulfillment in how I earn a living. (Because as much as I am cheering for and working towards the socialist revolution, capitalism is the soup du jour, and your girl has still got to eat.) Thankfully, this time has, in fact, provided some really meaningful epiphanies.
One of them came in the form of a conversation with my wife, wherein she tried to help me track what elements of my professional career I’ve enjoyed most versus the ones I would prefer to avoid in the future. And surprise! There was a clear thread there, and quite simply, it was an issue of having or not having a sense of personal control. Now, in most jobs, there is obviously always going to be an element of lack of control; the vast majority of people are employed by someone else. But depending on the leader you work for, your sense of control over your work could feel high or totally nonexistent.
Consequently, I realized that the paid roles I’ve been most content in were roles in which I was given a large amount of trust over my area by my managers. This may seem like a common-sense response, right? I think that we all—to some degree—want to feel an element of control over our working lives. But recognizing the impact that element has had on my happiness helped me realize that perhaps the day-to-day “what” of my jobs has been less important to me than whether I was provided enough space to discover, analyze, and execute in accordance with the modes and methodologies that feel most natural to me.
The second epiphany came as I reflected on what I’ve accomplished over the years in my “personal time.” (And side note: I think it’s really telling that’s how we culturally refer to our hours spent not working for pay—as if working time is synonymous with loss of control.) I’ve run for office, helped dozens of other people run, founded two LGBTQ+ support orgs, and been heavily involved in the activist community. The “why” of all that work drives me every single day, and the autonomy it has afforded me as a creative problem solver is a large part of what has kept my energy high even when the work was really difficult or downright depressing. In other words, having the freedom to identify a problem and build a creative solution is what keeps me motivated. For all you enneagram-fluent folks out there, this is classic Ennea 1, am I right? We see the world not as it is but as it could be.
In thinking about the future of my career, I’ve taken these two epiphanies and acknowledged that what I value in employment is autonomy, collaboration, and the ability to creatively problem solve in hopes of driving movement work forward. Having the chance to work with value-aligned colleagues would be the cherry on top! With my ten years of Public Service Loan Forgiveness behind me, I am now free to pursue employment at any kind of organization. Not to mention, I also have the freedom to explore what it would look like to work for myself. Regardless of what comes next, I’m so grateful for the time I’ve had to slow down and look inward. I wish the same for all of you.
Reading Rec of the Week:
"Meditations in an Emergency" by Frank O'Hara (just because he's one of my perennial faves)